I have a lot I want to unpack around women, spiritual leadership, access and boundaries.
And because I work with both older and younger women, perhaps before I speak to the older women, let me start with the young girls.
Young girl, I want you to become conscious of who has access to you, how much access they have, and why.
I have observed young women who are forever in the pastor’s office, the deacon’s office or another spiritual leader’s office. If they are not physically there, they are constantly in their inbox.
Every relationship problem goes there.
Every disagreement with a boyfriend goes there.
Their sexual struggles go there.
Their family problems go there.
Their menstrual cycle goes there.
Their ovulation goes there.
Deeply intimate information about their bodies and lives goes there.
And at some point, I think we need to ask an uncomfortable but necessary question:
Where does spiritual guidance end, and unnecessary access begin?
When I had my first menstrual cycle, the conversation about it happened with both my mother and father in the room.
Yes, my dad was there.
There was nothing shameful about my father knowing that his daughter had started menstruating. He was my parent. My parents were raising a girl, and conversations about my changing body were part of that responsibility.
So my concern is not that a man knows that a woman menstruates or ovulates. These are normal biological realities.
The question is context. The question is necessity. The question is relationship. And the question is boundaries.
If a male spiritual leader knows intimate details about your ovulation, menstrual cycle, sexual struggles, relationship and body, I want you to stop for a moment and ask yourself:
Does this person actually need this information to provide the spiritual guidance I am seeking?
Because sometimes I wonder whether we have become so dependent on access to spiritual leaders that we have forgotten our own access to God.
Before every problem becomes another person’s counselling session, have you prayed about it yourself?
Have you spoken to your parents or guardian where appropriate?
Is there a mature and trustworthy woman you could speak to?
And if something concerning is happening with your body, have you spoken to a healthcare professional?
Every problem does not belong in the same room.
Some things need prayer.
Some things need Mum and Dad.
Some things need a trusted mature woman.
Some things need a doctor.
Some things need a qualified counsellor.
Some situations require safeguarding and appropriate intervention.
And some things simply do not need to be shared.
Wisdom is learning which room your problem belongs in.
I believe in spiritual leadership. I believe in pastoral counsel. There are pastors, deacons, elders and mentors who have counselled, protected, prayed for and guided young people with tremendous integrity.
This is not about teaching young women to distrust spiritual leaders.
It is about teaching young women that honour does not require unlimited access.
Because proximity does something.
Repeated private conversations create familiarity.
Constant messaging creates familiarity.
Repeatedly sharing your deepest vulnerabilities creates emotional intimacy.
When one person becomes the first person you call about your relationship, your body, your fears, your sexuality, your family and every crisis in your life, a level of closeness is being created whether you consciously intended to create it or not.
Repeated vulnerability creates intimacy. Repeated private access creates familiarity. And familiarity can weaken boundaries.
That doesn’t automatically mean somebody has bad intentions.
But wisdom does not require you to first discover somebody’s intentions before establishing boundaries.
Boundaries are not accusations. They are wisdom.
Everybody who prays for you does not need to know everything about you.
Everybody who counsels you does not need to become your confidant.
Everybody who mentors you does not need unrestricted access to your inbox.
Everybody you respect does not need private access to you.
And somebody holding spiritual authority in your life does not automatically entitle them to intimate information about your body.
A spiritual title also does not make someone a super human, doctor, psychologist or specialist in every problem you will encounter.
Healthy spiritual leadership should recognise this too.
A responsible leader should know when a matter falls outside their role. They should know when to say, “You need to speak to your parents about this.” Or, “I think you need to see a doctor.” Or, “Let’s involve an appropriate woman in this conversation.” Or, “This requires professional help.”
Leadership carries a responsibility to protect boundaries too.
And young girl, you are allowed to say:
“I would rather discuss that with my mother.”
“Why do you need to know that?”
“Can another person be present?”
“I think I need medical advice about this.”
“I’m not comfortable discussing that.”
None of those statements makes you rebellious or disrespectful.
And especially if you are still a minor, become very cautious when an adult relationship begins depending on secrecy.
Don’t tell your parents.
They wouldn’t understand.
Keep this conversation between us.
You don’t need to tell anybody about this.
No.
Healthy guidance should not require your isolation.
But parents, there is also something for us here.
We cannot complain that our daughters are forever in somebody else’s office or inbox when we have created homes where difficult conversations cannot happen.
Your daughter should be able to say:
“Mum, something is happening with my body.”
“Dad, somebody made me uncomfortable.”
“I like somebody.”
“I made a mistake.”
“My period hasn’t come.”
“Someone asked me to keep something from you.”
And know that before judgement, punishment and shouting, somebody will listen.
I am grateful that when my body entered that new stage of womanhood, both my mother and father could sit in the room and talk to me about it.
Because protecting the girl child is not simply keeping dangerous people away from her.
It is also teaching her to recognise when access to her is becoming too much.
Young girl, love God.
Respect your leaders.
Receive counsel.
Ask for prayer.
Learn from people who are wiser than you.
But retain your discernment.
Not everybody who deserves your respect deserves unlimited proximity. And not everybody who has proximity deserves access to every part of you.
Before sharing another intimate detail of your life, learn to ask yourself:
Does this person actually need to know this in order to help me?
Sometimes, that question is a boundary all by itself.